last week i saw a mexican in a ford taurus wagon selling reindeer toys to tourists. he had dressed his car up to look like Rudolph. the proprietor of the shop was asleep at the wheel in the noon day sun. who could blame him? i felt sorry for his car. our taxi driver told us that he had stopped attending church because “around here the money makes the world go round.” but he still prayed to God. he played us romantic mexican music and even spun Billy Jean for the kids.gospel

i posed many questions and made statements to myself while i was away. here is my short list. my best ones.

i really miss Q tips. (one day with pool water lodged in my ear i took one of shaves knitting needles and wrapped some toilet paper around the end) now that i have done the research and testing you will not have to. it failed.

why are very expensive hotels charging for internet? seriously give me only one towel a week instead of one every day and let my kids enjoy some wifi. we both would win. that being said i never knew how wonderful a good bath towel could be. martha stewart just smiled knowingly.

when you get older you careless how you appear around a pool. this place was far from spring break but i was happy to know that age relaxes you and a few pina coladas am sure. i am still miles away but i like where this is going.

God’s love is the only thing free in this world. there is nothing else under the sun.
i have checked.

there were more but i am still processing.

overheard when things were going just fine.

“who has more fun than humans?:

missing from the photo is the wonderful young lorimer. he had to attend gainful employment this day and was truley missed. we would have placed you far left right beside grandma and just beneath the harrt attack. service providers of the oh nine year.

indeed

these two fellas created this. with their bare hands and all of Gods leftover fallen goodness. they tell me it sleeps four.
comfortably.

at first glance i thought a beaver had moved into the neighbourhood and made a makeshift dwelling until they crawled out. gatherers. this could happen as deer, otters and caribou have been spotted in residential areas all the time. this is urban sprawl confusing the wildlife. what was once their natural trails have become our box store parking lots. watch an animal program. pick up a newspaper. bear sightings are right around the corner. eagles in our backyards nesting on our clotheslines.

nevertheless these two pioneers deserve kudos for constructing such a great fort. a model home. a showcase of hard work and creativity. planners.

we used to venture over into new housing developments and borrow two by fours and discarded full sheets of plywood when i was young and erect the same. windows and doors and signs that said “no dames allowed” scouring toolboxes for nails and hammers and twine. twine was really all we needed as most of the time we would just make a leanto out of branches and trees when the construction crews moved on. an escape of our own. pioneers.

well done boys.

good form.

last month while i was in the woods with stutter we happened upon this. steve and i both wondered what we had ventured into. perhaps we needed to call a society or something. we both agreed that it was a magical find but these trails were covered by many so the chances of us being the first was improbable. i somewhat agreed but just in case stopped and took this photo. we both agreed it dated somewhere between the invention of kentucky fried chicken and the Incas. he felt it may be a burial grave or perhaps a watering hole of some sort. i measured it and with all certainty figured it was a T Rex footprint. i have come to realize most of my thinking was founded on knowledge, reason, stories my parents told me, the internet, investigation and comic books.

but this, my friends i experienced. i was close. my heart raced. i saw with my own eyes. i am certain of such. i believe this to be true.

next year i will head back and start some excavation.

who’s in?

today a woman and another came into the ranch and asked if we had any small love seats. i looked around and said no. they come and go i told them and then remembered that we did have a small sofa that folds out into a bed. a single. rare. clean. rarer.

to which she said i do not want a sofa bed  because then if people come over to my house they have a chance of staying. i told her that it looks just like a regular couch.

she said oh they would know. fair enough.
to which i stared blankly out the window wondering if this made sense. i then pictured a living quarters with one of everything.

this world view would also rule out board games, a television and dinner ware. all of these items may induce others.

honey i caught your parents looking under the cushions.

you don’t suppose they are wanting to sleep over? go down there and tell them right now that it is just a couch.

a farmer came in this week and donated a side of beef. he said very little about his beautiful daughter. weird. he said the old bull was a bit dodgy when he entered the pasture. the rest of the herd parted company tipping him off i suppose. there on his own stood the bull. he became bold and playful and began nudging him with sharp movements of his head. he told me “when they start getting edgy its time”

fair enough.
he also told me he was glad he had his gun with him. i am around the edgy most days. perhaps i need a trusted firearm. it won’t happen i promise. i just keep fresh fruit nearby. this too helps. takes the edge off.
so there i was knee deep in seven bags of meat. he told me the hamburger was lean and that i would need to add oil or water to it. he said most of the bull was turned into burger. if i had it i would have just turned it into prime rib and we would have invited the neighbours over. maybe ask them to bring a salad or some beverages. next time i am asked if “we can bring anything” i may ask for something more tangible than desert or a tossed.

bring six red frisbees. no seriously bring a magician.

(insert woman holding hand over phone yelling downstairs.)
honey the dosegers asked if we can bring video footage of Bigfoot or Vegas Elvis with us to dinner.
madness.

he threw in the liver and the tongue too. told me people still eat this stuff all the time. said you can still find it on menus at restaurants. imagine.
i remember sitting for what seemed like days in front of a plate of liver and onions when i was a kid. no amount of ketchup, HP or soy sauce can make that go down. condiments cant stand the stuff. that being said those little cabbages were tough to swallow too. today i would gladly eat a plate of brussell sprouts. tastes change but am not rushing out to a Walmart diner anytime soon and ordering the organ.
it kinda creeps me out just knowing when we start getting low in the freezer there it will be.

transplant.
(insert woman who bore me hands in the air yelling upstairs)
eat your dinner or there will be no dessert. most times it was a spoonful of Neapolitan ice cream over a digestive cookie. oooooohhhh consequence.  today you would never dangle a damp milky digestive over a kids head hoping for them to acquiesce.
the best part of this gift was that it was two part. they usually are these days at the ranch. with no room in the Frigidaire and burger boy puzzled at where to store “the old mare” the phone rang.

minutes after the good folk left the building someone phoned and asked if i could use a small freezer. like someone leaving a racecar in my driveway and the state of Florida phoning and asking me if i need Daytona.

fact. true. seriously.
i love it when generosity meats need. oh and to add to the ranch review the freezer is one from a convenience store that was used to dispense freezies, klondikes and ice cream sandwiches.

can’t wait to see the boys faces this summer when they reach in. if there is any left i may get a Dicky Dee bike and comb the neighbourhood with what’s left.

God is good.

All the time.

mado rolled a yahtzee out of the cup yesterday. it was divine. a truely lovely roll of the dice if i ever knew one. she is quite a player and we believe her math has improved since we have began playing. we may play boggle next month to give her english grades a shot in the arm. Yahtzee is the beautiful game. i have spent in excess of 10 000 hours in this game and soon will be turning pro. i have made the above roll no less than four times. one shake. one pour. one grand 50 point turn.(the above configuration is the “olson’ and not the Yahtzee) do not get me wrong i understand this is pure chance and any of you out there could beat me on any given night.

but not these nights.

this is more than shakes and rattles of dice in a cup. this is skillful. artful even. when to stay the course and when to bail. i have stared down one two and willed three or four more out of the cup before my turn was done. i have been wide eyed with the sixes and have been lured many times into their fateful gaze. i have chased the straight and have walked away from many full houses. subdivisions of them. i have left the small to the end and have scratched many a yahtzee in hopes of the upper bonus. i have played joker rules and have even began naming the rolls and scores. i fearlessly submit these for your board gaming pleasures.

if you score 64 on the upper (and you could) please add your bonus of 35. this is “the gretzky” for obvious reasons.

if you for some bizarre reason have to wait late in the game to roll your full house and you roll three sixes and two fives you have just rolled “the uncle joey” what a waste of 28 points bob saget!
that being said if you skillfully choose to chase the aces and roll twos and ones for your full house this is called “the mary kate and ashely olson” this is by far my favourite one to shake. stutter said they shared the same role in the sitcom. i totally did not believe him and said i was sure there was twins in the show. we then took an hour to agree that uncle jessies girlfriend was named becky. still doesn’t sound right.

bekky?

either way mado is home and she is down 7 games to one and i have to plan the upcoming Limestone Invitational Pro Am Tournament next month.
i just rolled the large straight out of the cup. i am thinking of naming this roll the “Kobey Bryant” or “the Springsteen.”

haven’t decided yet.

i introduced my little brother to U2 over twenty five years ago. he was into depche mode, the clash and bowie at the time. i gave him two cassettes trying to persuade him to leave the electronic and find his soul. i had discovered a life changing sound in a downtown record store. guts in a gutless era of disco, electric and eighties din. i was and still am far too opinionated for my own good. but seriously i had to do what i did. fast forward to last night. rewind the tapes and hold up digital cameras and space age devices. he took me to see the boys from Dublin in his hometown. this year he saw them for the first time. three times in Ireland and then last night as they wrapped up the first installment of the tour. shavey saw them this year too. under the stars in Toronto with the dome open and the vox, the edge, the clayton and the good looking drummer doing what they were born to do. i tried to look past the commercialism, the costs and the ridiculously priced merch wondering if they had found what they were looking for so long ago and somewhere lost it along the way. over the gloss, the stage and the over indulgent nature of a band grown so grand i had to pause. each and every step choreographed. every gritty guitar chord struck seemed to me be so far away from the very first time they courageously took a stage and uttered a note. perhaps it is now time for them to come full circle. i could book them for a house party and invite all my furthest friends. i could borrow the PA from Rustle. i will give paul maginnis a call in the morning.

in an effort to give pine needles a chance i decided to go camping last week with stutter. we hiked for what seemed like forever into frontenac park with packs on our backs and rain on our foreheads. it was the beginning of my holidays. i apparanely decided to work. both steve and i agreed that what we did was far from camping. it was surviving. it was great. nothing but us against the elements and in the midst of Gods creation i learned a few things. below is my list. it is not comprehensive and am sure SSS would have a list of his own. so here goes.

1. most of the earth i live in is flat. tamped down and levelled for easy access. the places i visited last week was topography at its finest. roots and rocks and rough terrain. i have every reason to beleive each and every day wildlife falls and stumbles slips and falls in these locals. they must. hikers have good ankles. this too is what i have concluded. show me a veteran walker of trails and i will show you an amazing set of ankles.

2. cooking pork in the dark is probably not a great idea. the place we stayed in and the weather conditions that beset us were black. there is no darkness save for the human heart that could compare to this kind of bleak. when you leave the city limits they turn off the lights.

3. i always thought i had a strong back. i do not beleive this any longer. a pack with pots and pans and a few days of clothes, extra runners a sleeping bag and childs thermarest and a few good reads becomes difficult to manage over hills and dales through rivers and valleys. did i mention the terrain? trails are not walkways. when i took the burden off my feet left the ground. astronaut.

there is talk of adding a canoe to the trip next year. another element has been suggested. like we needed more.

this week at the go cart association’s gathering we fought like cats and dogs. well just like dogs. uncle todd introduced the fellas to the combative and we all squared off to feats of strength, balance and wits. we began the meeting with prayers as one of the men slid down the banister caught his crock of a shoe in the railing and skidded off the pavement with his left cheek bone. we all laughed as we thought he laughed and was just showing off. apparently he told us under weeps that “his cry is like a laugh” we all laughed more. we then tried to bandage him up and prepare him for the games and then tried our best to teach each of us to respect feelings. we stumble we fall.
todd brought to our attention events like chicken wrestling, thumb wars (of which the good uncle has never lost), indian leg wrestling and a RPS knock out tournament where one contestant tossed “the diamond of death” this maneuver can only be used once in a championship.
killer move.
but my favourite event and one that most of the lads lost footings, appendages and were hobbling around with bloody stumbs was sword fights. each lad locked hands stood with right foot against right foot and placed their pointers out. the object was to swipe your index finger against their shoulder or against their kneecap. best of three wins. this game had nothing to do with strength but with mobility. swipes were taken boys fell and lots of laughs were had. we capped off the night with some sausages and pancakes washed down with ice tea.
we did the research and we are pretty sure this was the meal of a gladiator.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJa5_2wqN_I

this song is on steady musical digestion. this one goes down easy and me and the middle show off our dance moves with not a care in the world. it it as if we are dancing with an audience of one. this audience is stoked and give us top marks. especially the crazy english lady with the laugh. she wonders where we have been all her life! go download this song right now.

on more than one separate occasion i have found change in the shower. a few dimes and a copper. am not quite sure how it gets there. there is a theory that while i sleep it travels on my body into the shower. this has me quite concerned. how much money is being stored in the folds and creases? these are the questions that plague me. or there is a slight possibility that there is a shower fairy leaving it but i am not sure what i am losing in the exchange. i understand the mechanics of lost teeth and the pillow. of course with all the hot water consumed in my home there is also a proposal afoot to install meters that accept coinage for usage. like parking.
this year alone on my bike ride into the ranch i found 2 dollars and fourty seven cents. just laying around and the other day i told mr perfect i am thinking of trolling the drive trus in town with a magnet because on many occasions they have been great goldmines for the spare.
tossed aside. laid down. dropped.
this will be a weekly column from here on in on money saving tips. the recession is upon us. get up from your seat check the cushions and before you turn in check the covers. there is also a very slim chance others have left the coins. off to question the rest of the bathers.

me and the boys made spaghetti structures out of chick peas, marshmallows and a few bags of the good grain. a staple in our home enjoyed by them all. never a nose turned at a noodle. this day we tested our structures on bob north earthquake simulators and wind tunnels and a lazy susan covered with a plush toilet seat cover. grandmas house had these (tissue covers not earthquake simulators) and am almost positive so did ours. i do know that we had doilies over our Cottonelle. constructed from yarn or perhaps silk. handmade with dexterity and devotion. mom said that they were needed. apparently to keep the wipe hidden or the paper warm.
sweaters.
am pretty sure someone in our family had one with googly eyes sewn on.
after each structure was put through the tests we ate hamburger helper without any utensils. most of the lads took off their shirts, flexed and made bold statements. good times were had by all and only one noodle got lodged in a nasal passage.

capes and crusaders wandered past the ranch the other day. it was like a marvel universe in a less than marvelled neighbourhood. when i stopped to ask why all the dress up?? weeks from the hallows eve they told me that it was ’spirit week” and today was superhero day.
man. the closest we came to this kinda of fun was the day they told us to wear our pajamas to school, inside out day or that dreary day dedicated to a colour.
our school was called sunset heights and we flew the autumn shades. brown day. dress drab. i may have wore a sweater or a pair of roughrider denims. brown denim never caught on.

that being said if they pulled this in 78 there would have been a captain america, peter parker and a few wonder woman heading out the door with a packed lunch.
brown bag for sure.
school issue.

pictured above was delinquent girl. able to skip many classes without too much trouble.

spent a rainy friday night in a very large church sipping fancy glass sodas with artists chasing trays of shrimp, cheese and crackers and layers of luncheon meat skewered with baby onions . the proceeds of all the art sold were to help defray the costs needed to repair the building. the olderly of the place were great hosts and the heights of ceilings and depth of balconies made my head spin with architectural wonder. flying buttresses, plaster columns and stain glass far as the eye could see. the grandness made me mindful of my smallness. changing light bulbs requires scaffolding. a river of Murphy’s oil soap to tend to the wood. details that loom large for me. sometimes when it rains just right a small puddle forms in front of the stage at our meeting house and a few doors need some weather-stripping and my office needs a new lockset. a campaign may be in the works.

just today a lady said Rustle “smelled like a church” i wondered if it was the sweaty couch that just came in or the left over odour of sunday morning. either way i was in no place to argue with her.
follow your nose.